August 2014 : When Grandma Died

This work in progress is about the moment I heard my paternal grandmother died.

Forcefully replaying this memory is ...weird. This piece has a strong hand in shaping my future perception of the memory it is based on. While the piece is in progress, I don't discuss the memory with people who were there. I don't want witness accounts blurring with mine...

But blurring happens. Fictional and romantic notions creep in, shaping both my painting and my memory. I realize I not only want my piece to appear visually pleasing to the viewer, but to my future self. I actually accept this act of poetic license the way a writer is emboldened by journaling. As long as the inconsistencies in my work were written by my mind, I'm okay with inconsistencies because memories are never consistent. Where once I feared making this picture would sully my sacred thoughts, I now find it empowers me.

Using references for this piece in progress.

As one who struggles with depression, I treasure this feeling of empowerment over my own perception. I accept the fears and the pain I cannot master. I invite them to speak or perform until I understand and respect them.

There are wrenching memories outside of this one I know I'll try to paint, someday. When I do, I will be the ringmaster of my own mind. I can't control the world around me but I can control the way my mind perceives what happens to me.

August 2014 : When Grandma Died ... IN PROGRESS

It is emotionally intense creating pieces like these. I've required breaks from creating this one because I miss my grandmother or I feel the weight of death passing from one generation to the next. It's difficult to work on other pieces directly after touching this but breaks are necessary not just to let me breathe, but to allow the piece to breathe. My present moments need to shape the pure pictures of my past. To me, replaying certain memories doesn't diminish their quality but adds to their value.

These pieces aren't themselves my past, but ever-present places in my mind. I can never stop revisiting the day my grandmother died. Even if I never started this painting, the memory will live, breathe and evolve with me until I also pass on.

Detail: August 2014 : When Grandma Died ... IN PROGRESS

Begin

It's been a weighty month but I've had one of those nagging artist needs to "begin"...

I am an artist. This is my blog. This is what I'm "beginning".

Belated shenanigans are best blamed on a full schedule of bread-and-butter and social needs. Well, the biggest reason I haven't begun this work is actually complacency... A laze of fear... a fear-filled laziness.

TRUTH: I'm excited! This corner of the internet shall be ours and a home to my thoughts and tinkerings... a place to sift through and simmer in what goes into my art. I hope you will find it inspiring.

I could easily fill you in on the general colors of my world. I'm an INFJ. We're very comfortable with figuring out our inner workings. But it would be a disservice to list my basics, now. Sharing my art and my mind in relation to that art will give a more meaningful, organic context to all that. And... as mentioned before... the INFJ in me prefers substance to introductory small talk.

I am deeply blessed by your interest in my work. I hope my figuring-out of things will help you in your journey through your own figuring-out of things. After all, figuring things out -or just letting them be- is sometimes the most miraculous part of being.